Title: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: The Glitchy Gobstopper
Scene: INT. THE CHOCOLATE ROOM - DAY
The room is a riot of color and sugar. A river of molten chocolate flows sluggishly. Lollipops the size of trees dot the landscape. Everything is edible... and slightly sticky.
Our characters stand on a bank of peppermint grass.
CHARLIE BUCKET (11, wholesome, wearing a threadbare but clean jacket) stares in awe, his eyes as wide as dinner plates.
MR. WONGKA (Eccentric, wearing a velvet coat, but also a Bluetooth earpiece and smartwatch) is mid-sentence, gesturing wildly.
MR. WONGKA
--and that, dear children, is why we no longer use squirrels for quality control. The union demands were simply unreasonable! They wanted dental. For nuts! The irony was not lost on me.
The other children are a collection of modern archetypes, all glued to their phones.
MIKE TEAVEE (A 10-year-old tech prodigy) isn't looking at the chocolate river. He's filming it.
MIKE TEAVEE
(To his phone)
Yo, chat, check this out. It's a literal river of diabetes. Don't forget to smash that like button and subscribe for more factory fail compilations. We're trying to hit 10K before I get permanently banned.
VIOLET BEAUREGARDE (Chewing a piece of the same gum for three years) smacks her lips loudly.
VIOLET
This place is, like, totally mid. The aesthetic is so... artisanal. It needs more neon.
MR. WONGKA
(Claps his hands, the sound echoing like a gunshot)
Silence, tiny consumers! You are about to witness the most amazing, the most spectacular, the most economically viable room in the entire factory! Behold!
He points a remote control at a giant gummy bear. It belches, and a small, perfect chocolate truffle flies out and lands in Charlie's hand.
CHARLIE
(Whispering)
It's... it's still warm.
MR. WONGKA
Of course it is! It's been in a bear! Now, who wants to see the Lickable Wallpaper for Insomniacs? It tastes like a boring documentary!
Suddenly, aUGUSTUS GLOOP, a large child who has been trying to drink the river, slips. He doesn't fall in. He just gets stuck, waist-deep, like a human plug.
AUGUSTUS GLOOP
(Muffled)
Help! I'm stuck! Also, this chocolate is ethically sourced, right? I only eat fair-trade.
MR. WONGKA
(Without looking)
Ah, don't worry about him. He'll be fine. The Oompa-Loompas will fish him out during the lunch break. They're on their union-mandated 15 minutes right now. Very strict.
An OOMPA-LOMPA, wearing a tiny hard hat and holding a clipboard, walks by and gives Mr. Wongka a thumbs-down.
OOMPA-LOMPA
(Monotone)
We are on break. We are not saving the large child. We are playing Candy Crush. It is ironic.
MR. WONGKA
(Leaning in to Charlie, whispering)
They're a bit grumpy. We switched their pay to "exposure" and "the joy of creation." They're not thrilled.
Charlie looks at the struggling Augustus, then at the completely unbothered Mr. Wongka, then back at the chocolate river. His wholesome worldview is visibly cracking.
CHARLIE
Mr. Wongka... is he going to be okay?
MR. WONGKA
Okay? My dear boy, he's going to be marinated! It's a new flavor profile I'm testing. "Eau de Desperate Child." It pairs well with a crisp chardonnay and crippling debt.
Mr. Wongka's smartwatch beeps. He looks at it.
MR. WONGKA
(To his watch)
Yes, yes, I know. The inventory is low on "Unfulfilled Promises." Tell the marketing team to spin it as "Limited Edition."
He turns back to the group, a manic grin on his face.
MR. WONGKA
Now! Who's ready for the Fizzy Lifting Drinks? They're zero-calorie, but they will make you question your life choices and float into a ceiling fan!
The kids all look up. There is, indeed, a very large, very sharp ceiling fan.
MIKE TEAVEE
(To his phone)
Chat, this is gonna be epic. Prepare the "oof" soundboard.
Charlie just sighs, takes a small bite of his warm truffle, and pulls out his own phone to text his mom.
CHARLIE
(Typing)
"Mom, I think I made a mistake. Also, can you pick me up? Mr. Wongka is scarier than the one from the book. He has a podcast."
FADE OUT.
POST-CREDITS SCENE:
The Oompa-Loompas are in a break room, all playing on their phones. One looks up.
OOMPA-LOMPA 1
Did you see the new guy? Charlie? He seems nice.
OOMPA-LOMPA 2
(Without looking up)
He won't last. He still believes in the magic. We believe in the dental plan we're never going to get.
They all go back to their phones in unison.
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